and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
