Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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