I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
