I'll bet she douches with gravy.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
