Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
