How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
So vagazzling was a success
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
