Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
