So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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