there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
