you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
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The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
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just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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