I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
