Will you blow on my dice?
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
