I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
