All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
