At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
