you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Randomize
