I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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