She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
