so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I would ride that face into the sunset
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
