your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
