he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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