maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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