You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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