Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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