Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
