So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
