im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
