the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm experimenting with sincerity
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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