we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
