Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
