that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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