who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
