I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
