That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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