mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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