Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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