We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
