Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
