If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
