I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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