His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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