I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
