I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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