I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
