worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
