when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
