Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
