Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
