Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
