this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
