ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
