If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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