Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
