also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
