It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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