I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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