If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
