I wish I could teleport
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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