I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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