I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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